A few weeks ago I posted about a Grief Recovery class that I learned about. True to my word, I signed up- and today was my third session/class. I have to say that I have already started to change my way of thinking about many things. I think the big lesson learned today was that we should not compare our losses. While I did believe that everything is relative, I was still comparing my losses, my troubles, my- whathaveyou. No two losses are the same, even in similar circumstances. For example, the pain of a woman's loss of her child is not the same as another woman's loss her own child. We should never say to another "I know how you feel". Why? Because we don't! It is well meant most of the time- thinking it will help the person to not feel alone in their pain. But really when I think about it- someone telling me they know how I feel is not altogether true. And really- it doesn't help one bit. Basically it's a way for someone to change the subject.
That goes for deployments too! I may have been through a few deployments, but honestly I don't know what it is like for another wife. Everyone's situation is unique. Maybe another wife (or husband) might have troubles back home, their child is acting up, or that spouse cannot sleep a wink and cannot function enough to do the basic things needed. Just because a wife is new to deployment- it doesn't mean that her pain is less than mine because I have "been through more."
I have been SO bad about comparing my loss, pain, whathaveyou. I realize now that I have expected other people to put up or shut up- all because they were new or young or inexperienced. I didn't feel they should be whining or complaining. After all- that is the military life- get used to it. But that isn't the way I should act or feel. Everyone's pain is relevant, and it is personal. The best thing I can do is listen.
I am so grateful for this class. I think I was really beginning to become an old jaded Navy wife.
That is definitely NOT a good thing!
On a side note- I realize I have not posted pictures or blogged about Japan very much lately- I promise the next post will have a little of both!
Cheers!
Showing posts with label grief recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief recovery. Show all posts
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Grief
Tonight I attended a presentation about grief recovery. It got me thinking. First of all- when one thinks of grief- one thinks of the loss or death of a loved one. I immediately thought of Mrs. P at A Little Pink in a World of Camo. Her loss is uncomprehensable to me, I can't begin to know what she is going through. My heart aches for her and her little girl. In no way do I claim her grief as my own- she doesn't know who I am but she is in my thoughts and prayers.
To me- death is the ultimate cause of grief. But tonight I learned that loss and death are not the only causes of grief. Grief can be caused by divorce/break-up, loss of a pet, moving (PSCing), health problems, miscarriage, financial problems, and so on. There is no official "list" because we are all unique- a source of grief for one person may not affect another. Too often do we dismiss our own grief because we think it is not as important or as paramont as another's grief. The presenter referred to the saying (which I had not heard until tonight):
"I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet."
I wish I could claim that saying as my own. Boy did that smack me right in the forehead (you know- "I coulda had a V-8" kind of moment.) Not only do I dismiss my own pain and grief- but I expect my children to do the same. When they are upset about something- I tell them it could be worse and maybe give an example of someone who DOES have it worse. My intention was to make them feel better. Actually what I was doing was dismissing their feelings and not allowing them to deal with the issue at hand.
There is an institute that deals with grief called The Grief Recovery Institute (http://www.grief-recovery.com/ or http://www.grief.net/). Here the Fleet and Family Support Center have trained counselors that offer a grief recovery program- who have been trained at the aforementioned institute. What a great resource! I have not heard of this until tonight. Maybe it is new? We (the other women who attended the presentation) decided that deployment should be included on the "general" list of sources of grief.
I also learned that we as a society, do not know how to approach other's grief. Well-intentioned people will say things meaning to help- but instead cause more pain and/or anger. Some of the things that people say or imply to a grieving person can include:
"I know how you feel"
"Give it time (or time heals all wounds)"
"Just keep yourself busy"
"replace your loss"
"You can always [replace said loss]"
"Don't feel bad"
"You need to be strong for your family"
"You should grieve alone"
I have to say the line about being strong for your family really hit home. Hubby told me that on the phone when he found out my father had died. I knew then that was the wrong thing to say. But this is a prime example of how we do not know how to deal with grief, our own or others'. I really want to take this class. It is not so much that I am in deep pain from my own personal losses, and am falling apart. But I think that learning how to cope is a wonderful life skill to have. It would benefit me personally, and it will come in hand to help those I care about, especially my children. It is a scary prospect of course. I am aware that I have stuffed a lot of feelings of grief deep down and they are sure to come up to the surface- which will be painful, I am sure.
I plan to spread the word. Being stationed overseas magnifies any problem one may have here. I know there are many spouses here that would benefit from this program. Really- regardless of how little grief we may "feel", I think everyone should learn these crucial life skills, as they are bound to need it for themself or those they love.
So I will jump on in. I let you know how it goes...
To me- death is the ultimate cause of grief. But tonight I learned that loss and death are not the only causes of grief. Grief can be caused by divorce/break-up, loss of a pet, moving (PSCing), health problems, miscarriage, financial problems, and so on. There is no official "list" because we are all unique- a source of grief for one person may not affect another. Too often do we dismiss our own grief because we think it is not as important or as paramont as another's grief. The presenter referred to the saying (which I had not heard until tonight):
"I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet."
I wish I could claim that saying as my own. Boy did that smack me right in the forehead (you know- "I coulda had a V-8" kind of moment.) Not only do I dismiss my own pain and grief- but I expect my children to do the same. When they are upset about something- I tell them it could be worse and maybe give an example of someone who DOES have it worse. My intention was to make them feel better. Actually what I was doing was dismissing their feelings and not allowing them to deal with the issue at hand.
There is an institute that deals with grief called The Grief Recovery Institute (http://www.grief-recovery.com/ or http://www.grief.net/). Here the Fleet and Family Support Center have trained counselors that offer a grief recovery program- who have been trained at the aforementioned institute. What a great resource! I have not heard of this until tonight. Maybe it is new? We (the other women who attended the presentation) decided that deployment should be included on the "general" list of sources of grief.
I also learned that we as a society, do not know how to approach other's grief. Well-intentioned people will say things meaning to help- but instead cause more pain and/or anger. Some of the things that people say or imply to a grieving person can include:
"I know how you feel"
"Give it time (or time heals all wounds)"
"Just keep yourself busy"
"replace your loss"
"You can always [replace said loss]"
"Don't feel bad"
"You need to be strong for your family"
"You should grieve alone"
I have to say the line about being strong for your family really hit home. Hubby told me that on the phone when he found out my father had died. I knew then that was the wrong thing to say. But this is a prime example of how we do not know how to deal with grief, our own or others'. I really want to take this class. It is not so much that I am in deep pain from my own personal losses, and am falling apart. But I think that learning how to cope is a wonderful life skill to have. It would benefit me personally, and it will come in hand to help those I care about, especially my children. It is a scary prospect of course. I am aware that I have stuffed a lot of feelings of grief deep down and they are sure to come up to the surface- which will be painful, I am sure.
I plan to spread the word. Being stationed overseas magnifies any problem one may have here. I know there are many spouses here that would benefit from this program. Really- regardless of how little grief we may "feel", I think everyone should learn these crucial life skills, as they are bound to need it for themself or those they love.
So I will jump on in. I let you know how it goes...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)