Friday, May 14, 2010

Emotional Rollercoaster

Our household is in total upheaval.  We are getting ready for Hubby to leave us again for who knows how long.  The kids are not happy about it, I am not even sure HOW I feel right now, and Hubby- well, he is extremely stressed out and worn down.

Okay here is the truth.  Last month I was angry with Him- as in my husband.  It is a classic tale of a wife feeling like she does everything and feels resentful- while the husband doesn't understand what the fuss is all about.  He just knows she is storming around the house and not talking to him.  That is- when he is aware of her presense whilst playing World of Warcrap.  (I hate that and every other MMG out there.)
Knowing that in the future he would be leaving again- I wanted to have some help with household chores since once he leaves- it's all on me. 

I am NO angel by any means.  But I was upfront about it- clearly indicating what needed to be done and asking nicely.  What I got back was hostility or a promise to do it later.  And we all know how that ends.  Eventually I became tired of waiting and asking and just got angry.  That's my side of the story. 

Let me tell you I am the type of person that tries to look at situations from both sides.  The checker who was rude to me maybe was having a bad day or not feeling well.  The school secretary who never smiles (true story) maybe is physically unable to move her mouth into said facial expression (but I think I saw her smile once- so there goes that theory.) 

So I tried to be patient- knowing that he had a lot on his plate at work.  But even then- I was still mad.  If I am having a hard time at work- working overtime or what have you- I STILL take care of all the household matters.  So while I was not talking and being angry in my passive-aggressive manner- I did not nag once!  So there!  To top it all off- I felt like if Hubby were to leave right there and then- life would be easier for me. 

Truly- I am not writing this to bitch about my husband- only to explain my "emotional rollercoaster."

Moving ahead- I regained my patience once I realized being mad wasn't helping and plus I have a hard time holding a grudge (yes I tried to- shame on me.)  Add a pending seperation and my anger completely disolved.  Now I am running errands- taking care of things he needs as he is working 12+ hour days.

Enter the children.  Sissy is crying over everything.  I think some of it is her age- but I know a big part of it is the fact her Daddy is leaving.  Brother has his ups and downs as well.  We all are strung tight, being snappy and dealing with aching stomachs. 

I have been a Navy wife well over 14 years- a little separation is no big deal I was thinking.  In fact- I had been worrying about what we will do when the day comes that Hubby is no longer in the service.  He would be HOME ALL THE TIME!  Damn- I sound like a cold hearted bitch.  Imagine my shock when I started crying when it hit me that he is really leaving.

Thus my emotional rollercoaster.  Sometimes I am sad and weepy, other times I am optimistic- making plans and thinking of things to keep us busy.  And I have been a complete air head!  I tried putting the car in gear without stepping on the break and thought my car was broken.  I almost ran a red light right in front a Japanese squad car (my passengers stopped me luckily.)  I have stubbed my toes on every possible corner in the house and even tripped on the stairs, breaking my big toe nail all the way down one one side.  Ouch!  I am forgetting words and sometimes I forget what I am doing and walk around the house aimlessly.  It is so frustrating!  So now I am making a special effort to be wary of my actions- for example basic walking.  I am also trying to be extra patient with my children and not let them see my frustration and stress.  After all- if they see Mom is not dealing- then it must be bad, right?

I am dreading "D" Day.  For now I will keep busy.  Needing something to do- I have been cleaning and cleaning some more (which is normally not my fave activity.)  When the day comes, I must be strong and not break down when the children cry when we say our goodbyes.  It's choking me up just thinking about it... 

Hubby's boss told me yesterday that in his family- they never say goodbye.  They always say- "I will see you later."  I didn't really get it until just now.  I think that is a practice we will put to good use.


  1. You don't sound cold-hearted, or distracted, or clumsy. You sound like you're getting ready for a deployment! These reactions all sound normal, although I know that is not a lot of comfort right now.

    I often wonder if the lead-up is worse than the actual being gone. Good luck and grace to you.

  2. I have always had the ability to see things from both sides. That is why I am pretty in the middle, politically and also why I never really make any enemies.

    My stepmother used to say that we should never say goodbye, just see you later. I see she was not the only one!

  3. thank you so much for your sweet words and advice!! :)

  4. Bette- thanks. I think sometimes the anticipation is the worst part- good point.

    Otin- I wonder if that is how you are able to write from the bad guys and good guys point of view? Your stories get scarier and scarier! ;)

    Amanda- thanks for stopping by! If you have any questions feel free to ask me!

  5. The roller coaster of pre-deployment is never easy. And it's so much harder for kids because it's so hard to explain to them what's going on. We went through all that a few months ago so I feel your pain. Hang in there!

    Thanks for the comment on my blog the other day. I'll have to go find that book "Dare to Repair." Definitely sounds like something I can use.


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