My Baby is 12- a late night pondering

I tried to go to sleep, I really did.  But I feel too out of sorts to do so.  So instead I am up making cupcakes for my son who just turned 12 according to Tokyo time.  I want to say I can't believe he is 12, but that wouldn't be honest.  I recognize that 12 year old/pre-teen/goshdarnjustaboutateenager behavior.  I remember being twelve, it wasn't THAT long ago (almost 25 years to date- I still remember ok?) 

At night, he is still my little boy- wanting my love and attention.  During the day- his friends are around and he couldn't care and probably prefers me to be elsewhere.  We fight.  We fight all of the time.  It sucks and I cry from time to time (but not in front of him.) 


So yeah, he is 12.  He looks like he is 12 and he acts like he is twelve.  I 'know' this, but my heart doesn't want to accept it.  I am so sad and worried and scared.  I am sad because I miss his little chubby baby cheeks and how he would lay his head on my shoulder when he was sleepy.  I am worried and scared because I doubt my ability to help him to succeed in life.  I feel like I have failed him in so many ways.  I know- I am not the only parent to feel this way.  Regardless of what people say- I still feel responsible for the issues we have had to face with him.  I just know I could have done this better.  Regret is a nasty bedfellow, isn't it?  I just need to move forward.  He is a wonderful boy.  I know that.  I don't think he does though.  And that is what I need to change. 

Back in August at the Monkey Park

Cupcakes are out of the oven, I am going to try to get some sleep now...